busy!!!

not an excuse but have been fucking busy for the past one month (13-14 hrs a day @ work)… but will definitely have to take some out for my blog… its been a long time that I have posted anything… I have to give some time to my blog…

@work
things are very very hectic. additional responsibility which means I need to attend more meetings, do more multi tasking, monitor performances, monitor satisfaction level, monitor if anybody is unhappy and more monitoring and more monitoring….

@personal life
disaster… complete disaster… and the worst part is its lonely out there…but have to learn living here and guess wot I am and will always be there for her… she is at the end of day my first and my only love… its been 7 yrs… 7 good years…

Its getting worse!!!

Its getting worse… I checked the temperature… it was 99.1 today morning… have got cold also… and had to deal with indiscipline at work… the one that is not acceptable to me by any standard… had a small altercation… nothing personally taken but I cannot tolerate attitude issue at any cost… I called her today and she was also busy so could not speak much with her :-(… all in all a day to forget…

Still sick :-( :-(

I am still sick and down with fever… Guess the temperature is very high at this moment… Got to check with a doctor now…

Sick :-(

Am sick and down… For the first time since I have returned from UK, today was the first day I am not returning late… Actually was forced to return back home… Have got a fever and cold… It got worse once I was at home… The temperature seemed little high… Feeling ok now, though not 100% fit… Life sucks at this moment…The only thing that has got me busy and distracted is the work… Else it gets me fucking mad… Have tried to stay as busy as I can and stay distracted but failed… The fever is getting worse now… need to get back to my bed…

p.s. I missed her a lot today…dnt know how I managed to not call her… :-( :-( :-(… hope she is doing well

Guess she is still in a very bad mood. I called her three days back but seemed she was not in a mood to talk… She pretended to be busy. I also took that as an excuse knowing very well that its nothing to do with any academic assignment though she mentioned the same… She asked me – why am I calling her daily. Well what do I answer to that. Am I not allowed to call her whenever I want to. I do not know why did she ask me that? The reason I called her was just to discuss on normal things which might make her feel little bit better about me. She is anyway going through a rough patch hmmm rather a decision making patch… She will have to take decisions which are going to change her life… for ever… Wish it is that… I complete understand and I am with her here atleast I am trying to…

or is she feeling that if she distances me from her life then I will be feel better. No, I do not think that is the case… She just needs to figure out few things in her life.

Or did she think that I called her to enquire what is going on in her life and obviously she does not want to discuss that with me knowing very well how I feel about it… I thank her for having this feeling for me but she needs to understand I am Ok with whatever decision she takes. I understand. I respect and care for her more than even she can think of… I will stand by her for anything… If she is happy, I am more than happy.

or does she hates me for being responsible for this mess… no no no, do not think that is the case…no, that cannot be the case…

Anyway I will try not calling her… I am just waiting for her text. Hope it will come soon… guess I have been working very hard now… its getting on me…

Where am I now in life? What do I need to do? Is it all over? Is this question a valid one? Was there anything for it to be over? Is it not only my dream world which had its princess? Was it just not an illusion? Or was it another dream (rather my only dream) which had a sad ending? Have been woken up rudely (there is no other way anyways)…

But I want to thank her for taking me through this journey. A journey which I will cherish for the rest of my life. A journey which has made me the person I am today. No regrets. hmmm few regrets rather… Wish I had not hurt her, wish I had not let her shed tears for me, wish I had made her smile more… wish I had been a better friend… I want to now… Wish I could undo few things not from my life but from her life…

I am sorry

It must be one of the worst days of my life… 05th Jan 2009… A day to forget rather may be remember for a life time… Had a very horrible discussion with her… Me to be blamed for all the fiasco… cannot forgive my self for that. what kind of friend am I if I cannot understand the feelings of my bestest friend and instead of helping her in the current situation make her life worse… I must have done something really horrible in my life to see this day… How do I tell her how much sorry I am for this… my life has changed completely starting this year and will never be the same again. But I have got no rights to mess with other people’s life or give anybody least her any pain…

Its my duty now to support whatever decision she takes in her life and atleast be a good friend to her… I am no great human being but I can atleast try to be a good friend… I had promised myself that I am not going to make her cry, not let a single drop of tear fall from her eyes and here I am doing something stupid… what a fucking asshole I am… She deserves so much better, I need to ensure from my end that I am not doing anything silly…

I wish she will forgive me for everything, I know she will. Hope she will give me one more chance to be a good friend to her…

I promise today that whatever I do I will not again something stupid which will make her feel bad… I will be a better person…

finally I am really sorry to have hurt you whatever may be the reason nothing can justify my act… Its been a privilege to have her in my life. She is like a gift and I will be a horrible human being if I did not respect the gift…

what a sick person I m

Bye

I need few more minutes from you tonight and it will be all over after that…

I thought about whatever you said to me yesterday… The Chintan fella must be one lucky ass… Leave it… what I wanted to say is you are going to hear less from me and may be not see me anymore… I do not want to make matters complicated for you… but remember you are my bestest friend and I will give my life for you anytime without you even asking for it… all I ask is do not remove me from your friend list ever… its not easy for me and I know its not easy for you also…

Be a bit careful what you say cause whatever you say, I am going to take it with me to my grave… Please make it like the words of life time… make it a moment…

 

p.s. thought of it but never told her… I am fucking confused at this moment…